Monday, January 21, 2013

The Sum of All Fears

Pretty much sums up my reaction when I realized that Super Bowl XLVII was going to be the Harbaugh Bowl.

This is the worst possible matchup for Steeler fans.

Last year the Giants were the only safe team to root for of the final four and they really held up their end of the bargain. I already felt like I owed Eli Manning what Wookiees and Indian people call a "life debt" for beating the undefeated Patriots of 2007. The Giants win last season just reaffirmed that feeling.

Atlanta was the Giants this year. The Falcons were a simple, super bowl-less NFC team with no real bad blood ties to Pittsburgh, (save the literal tie game they shared in 2002). It's a real shame they played awful in the second half... I'd be still be doing the Dirty Bird.

As much as I liked seeing Tom Brady lose - which was a lot - the Patriots are historically good. They're supposed to be. It's expected.

My buddy Carter "Brady-ing" immediately following the Patriots loss.
Something to Think About
Imagine if the Patriots had gone to the Super Bowl and lost again, making them 3-3 in the Brady/Belichick era. You could then say that Tom Brady was Tom Brady in his first three Super Bowls, and Jim Kelly in his last three. That would have been awesome. Appearances mean nothing. Ask the city of Buffalo.

Anyway, the damage is already done. The Patriots of the last decade will be remembered as a dynasty no matter what. You just don't want them to open the door for a new dynasty. By losing to Baltimore, the Patriots are sort of sharing the wealth in the "perennially good franchises" conversation. Now Baltimore, who has made three AFC Championship games in the last five years, will be brought up every time ESPN is talking about the best organizations in the NFL. And you will have to hear about it.

Dear god, this whole thing is a mess.

If the 49ers win...

What do they call yinzers in San Francisco?

They tie the Steelers with six Lombardi Trophies. It's a big deal. Every time some random Czech guy Googles "best NFL team" he'll think "There are two best teams. San Francisco and Pittsburgh." The Steelers will have gotten to six faster, and have more hall of famers, (20 to San Fran's 13), but there will be no real marked difference to the untrained Czechoslovakian eye.

Is that Jim Harbaugh or Jim Carrey?

Jim Harbaugh is a dick. Like, an outrageous dick. All he does is bitch and moan to the officials.

Here are some straight up facts about the Niners heard coach:

- Jim Harbaugh is the guy that waited too long to merge into your lane at rush hour, but, whatever, you're in a good mood, so let him in - and he doesn't wave.
- Jim Harbaugh never tips more than 12% regardless of the quality of service.
- Jim Harbaugh ties up a flat bench and the lat pulldown machine at the gym for an hour because he's super setting.
- Jim Harbaugh doesn't have a favorite band because he "doesn't listen to music."
- The literal German translation of Harbaugh is asshole.

And, with a Super Bowl ring, Jim Harbaugh will be forever glorified.

If the Ravens win...

I just puked a little.

Ray Lewis' retirement story will trump Jerome Bettis'. The bus was a class act. Everyone knew 2005 was his last year win, lose, or draw. There was no end of the regular season press conference about it because there was work left to be done. It was understood. By letting the media know he planned to retire after the season before the playoffs, Ray Lewis has set the stage to take full, unbridled credit for a Baltimore Super Bowl win. Even if Ray Ray plays like total ass, it'll be because he provided the "intangibles" or "emotional lift" or whatever other bullshit buzzwords you want to use - that led the Ravens to victory. 

One of those assholes will be the Super Bowl MVP, and it'll probably be Joe Flacco, because that's how well he's going to have to play for the Ravens to win. If it's not him it's probably going to be Terrell Suggs or Ed Reed, which is nightmarish.

What if the Steelers play in Baltimore week 1 like they did in 2011? Ray Lewis will be wearing a suit made of Italian silk, with a huge gold crucifix around his neck, praisin' Jesus, and running the Super Bowl XLVII banner up the flag pole - in the face of the Steelers. That would be truly disgusting.

I'm at my wit's end on who to root for here, (obviously, outside of Bane blowing the field up or unplayably bad weather like the 2007 Steelers/Dolphins game resulting in a 3-0 win for one team, making it universally regarded as the worst Super Bowl ever. Though safe to say that won't happen in the Superdome).

On the one hand, I want the Google search of random Czech dudes to yield the Steelers as the best team in NFL history. On the other, watching Ray Lewis act like a televangelist performing an exorcism at the 50 yard line might drive me to suicide by castration.

At the end of the day, I'm a Steeler fan and I hate the shit out of the Ravens. Fuck them.

I was in Dallas for Super Bowl XLV when the Steelers lost to the Packers. It was extremely unpleasant. I felt like dog shit after for several days after the game. I can't even imagine how the players felt.

That's what I'm wishing on the Ravens; a Super Bowl loss. An absolutely miserable off season, knowing they couldn't send Ray Lewis off in style. Questioning Joe Flacco as a franchise quarterback. Facing the hard reality of an aging defense. The massive letdown that comes with losing the big game.

So... I guess... (gulp)... go Niners.


  1. Long Time reader, first time comment.

    I do like Ray Lewis more then Jerome Bettis, however, you got it wrong, even if the Ravens win the bus has the better story. It was his first and only ring in his home town. Ray can never match that. It is a perfect ending for any great player to get the big W in their last game. I am glad Ray has that chance.
    I guess I should also add Randy Moss somewhere in this post, but who the hell likes Him?

    Bottom Line...Go Ravens!

  2. I absolutely abhor anything Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and the rest of the dirty rat-birds over in Baltimore. I'd much rather share the title of top team in the NFL than watch the Baltimore garbage parade into Pittsburgh as NFL champs.