HARD NEWS!

The American attention span is in shambles.

Every ad campaign, every slogan, every headline - is designed to get us to care enough - just enough - to click on a hyperlink and get credit for our page view. This has caused an evolution on Twitter: create the most ridiculous, unbelievable blurb that the masses feel compelled to give the slightest of shits, even if it's on a purely rubbernecking-a-car-crash level.

Here's an example. Let's say you read the slug "Dickless freak killed in go-carting accident." If you're telling me you wouldn't click on that link, you're a goddam liar.

Local news knows this strategy. We follow Channel 11 on the work Twitter, ("Channel 'Leven" as it's known in the Greater Allegheny area), and they are a fucking hit parade of ridiculous hyper-blogging headlines. Five minutes of scanning their tweets yielded this:

He's lonely. I mean, obviously.

To be fair, it was a 10 point.

The naked pope chick was legitimately hot by the way, especially by CMU standards. Though she probably had a clubbed foot or something other kind of deformity that just kept her "CMU hot." I had a buddy Abe went to CMU and when asked about the ladies there his line was always, "CMU: Eight dudes for every fat chick."

You'll notice the Pope Chick was smoking a ciggy, so clearly she bangs, making her even more coveted at a school saturated with shy, prudish asian women. No seriously - Pope Chick has even gained the attention of a possible Craigslist killer! (Yeah, I read the m4w section of Craigslist. It's funnier than w4m and way, waaaay creepier). She's approaching a level of stardom reserved for only the top echelon Steel City females like Bike Girl from the G20 Summit, the chick that tried to blackmail Bettis after she blew him, and Jalapeño Hannah. 

Strike while the iron's hot, Pope Chick. Maybe 'local celebrity night' at the Cricket Lounge. She could dance between Sally Wiggin and Sofie Masloff's granddaughter.

Steelers Fourth Round Pick: Shamarko Thomas

Women of Pittsburgh: brace yourselves for extreme wetness.

A must-follow for lonely yinzer tramps.

Shamarko Thomas, S

Syracuse

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 215

40 time: 4.4

There's a lot of goofy shit out there on Shamarko Thomas. He famously bit it during his, (really fast), 40 yard dash at this year's combine and back in October, Thomas was also absolutely demolished by Pitt freshman tight end JP Holtz. 

JP Holtz does not appear sympathetic after the play.

Embarrassing viral videos aside - the Steelers got a steal here. They had the 115th selection but they gave away a third round pick in 2014 to get the 111th pick and take Thomas. Apparently the Steelers didn't feel like he would be there four picks later. 

Lake's Take

We had Steeler defensive backs coach Carnell Lake on one of our shows immediately following the selection of Thomas. Here's what the former Steeler great pointed out...

- Thomas holds several lifting records at Syracuse.

- "If he was two inches taller, he'd have been a first or second rounder." Lake also said, "Shamarko has a 40 inch vertical. You can give up a couple inches when you can elevate like that."

- "He's versatile enough to play nickel."

- On trading up to pick four places earlier to take him: "We were worried about Buffalo taking him. His college coach is with the Bills now."

Bob Sanders Comparisons

Comparing a safety to Bob Sanders is high praise. Even though he finished his last four seasons on the IR, in his time Bob Sanders was a fucking monster. Sanders was like a 5'8" middle linebacker who just happened to play safety. Now whether or not Shamarko Thomas draws the comparison because he's undersized and has dreadlocks, we're still not sure. 

One thing we do know about Shamarko Thomas is that he's a big hitter with tons of upside. Probably a bonus for a team with two starting safeties over 30. 

Is it too early for nicknames? I'm voting for Shamarko "Sledgehammer" Thomas. 

How fucking badass would it be to have Peter Gabriel on

the jumbotron after a bell-ringing hit by Shamarko Thomas?

SLEDGE HAMMER!

Steelers Third Round Pick: Markus Wheaton

Markus Wheaton, WR
Oregon State
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 230
40 time: 4.45

The Steelers are preparing for life after Emmanuel Sanders in 2014 and taking Markus Wheaton is part of that process. If Wheaton can't contribute at wide receiver right away, he's got a year to sit behind Sanders and wait his turn until next year.

Combine Killer
Wheaton had an awesome combine. His 40 wasn't exceptional, but his shuttle runs were great, (4th in the 20 yard shuttle, 2nd in the 60 shuttle), and he put up 225 pounds 20 times. To give you some perspective, the Steelers second round pick last year put up 19 reps... that was offensive tackle Mike Adams.

The Producer
As a senior at Oregon State Wheaton caught 91 balls for 11 touchdowns and 1,244 yards. The Beavers also saw fit to give him 20 touches in the backfield that he turned into 2 scores. Those are some big numbers in a good PAC 12 conference that's not the SEC, but it's not the Sunbelt either.

A lot of people seem to think Wheaton can contribute right away. That'd be a pleasant surprise considering that Emmanuel Sanders will not be a Steeler next year, whether he has a good year, a bad year, or spends the season with more weird foot bullshit.

Steelers Second Round Pick: Le'Veon Bell

Le'Veon Bell, RB
Michigan State
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 230
40 time: 4.6

There were a lot of other back on the board when they took Bell yesterday, Eddie Lacy and Christine Michael, to name a few. I wasn't thrilled with this pick initially but Le'Veon Bell is starting to grow on me. One of the things you have to be careful of with Big 10 running backs is the insane amount of mileage those guys have coming out of college. Bell carried the ball 300+ times last year. Touches affect durability and durability is paramount. With that in mind, you can say that Bell has proven he can handle a big workload. Something Jonathan Dwyer has not.

Pros
- First and foremost this puts Jonathan "Baby Phat" Dwyer on warn. Either step it up or you won't even make it out of camp.
- Todd Haley said yesterday that Bell was the Steelers highest rated back - ahead of Lacy, Giovani Bernard, and Johnathan Franklin.
- Spartan faithful will tell you Michigan State's offensive line sucked badly last year, emphasizing Bell's production.
- Get ready to pop wood, Steeler fans... Le'Veon Bell weighed in at 230 at the combine though his typical playing weight is 245. Bell supposedly cut weight to try and run a better 40 to no real avail. So put those 15 pounds back on and let the outrageously unfounded Bettis comparisons begin!

Cons
- Mileage, mileage, mileage. Bell had 382 carries last last season.
- Not necessarily a con but Le'Veon Bell now needs to be have a better career than Eddie Lacy. They will be forever handcuffed in the minds of Steeler fans. In 2008 Rashard Mendenhall was drafted with Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Ray Rice still on the board.
- NFL.com's draft profile compares Bell to LeGarrette Blount. Hopefully that doesn't come with the sucker punches and encouragement of felony assault.

Lots of reaching in the cons portion of my breakdown there. I'm excited. Soon enough we'll be at training camp and all eyes will be on Le'Veon Bell during the goal line scrimmage - which is when my cousin Dave pointed out is probably when Lawrence Timmons is going to welcome that young man to the NFL.

Jarvis Jones. Black Jesus.

The Steeler defense isn't getting any younger. They don't get pressure like they used to, they don't take the ball away. The black and gold defense needs saving.

Enter Black Jesus.

That's what I'm calling Jarvis Jones, anyway. How sweet would a "What Would Jarvis Do?" sign look over the railing in the closed end zone? If you answered, "classless, shameful, and sacrilegious" - good. That's what I was going for.

As if you needed any more reasons to like Jarvis Jones, his Twitter handle is @SacManJones_29. #Awesome #SuckADickPacMan #BlackJesus

Steelers First Round Pick: Jarvis Jones

Help me, Black Jesus. You're my only hope.

Jarvis Jones, OLB

University of Georgia

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 245

40 time: 4.9 

I love this pick. In one selection, the Steelers replaced James Harrison as the backup outside linebacker, (assuming they were going to hand the keys to Jason Worilds), and most importantly they put the fucking pressure on LaMarr Woodley. There's now a first round talent safety net in the event that Woodley is too fat or too hurt to play. A little harsh - maybe - but you can't trust Superstar LaMarr until he's got a weigh in under 275. 

Other Notes:

- Greg Cosell of NFL Network called him "The most NFL-ready pass rusher." High praise.

- We just had Kevin Colbert on our draft broadcast. He said he was glad Jones ran a 4.9 40 yard dash because it gave the Steelers a chance to draft him. 

- SEC competition. Seriously, there is no substitute. Five SEC players were selected before Jones at 17.

- Most importantly, Dawg Bones Jones did some kind of weird endorsement deal with Subway and now gets free subs for life. Yeah - like that Subway card in Happy Gilmore. Jarvis Jones has it!

Subway celebrated their deal with Jones by creating this horrifying meat statue of him. It will haunt your dreams.

This is the kind of mental image you conjure up when 

trying to hold back a glass-cutting erection.

Welcome to Pittsburgh, Jarvis. Hopefully Woodley knows you're not made of chipped ham and pepper jack, because he will bite you in the face like he's been fasting in a sweat lodge for a week and a half and doing bath salts.

Welcome Back... For Now, Anyway

It's been a while. 

The Update

Work has been an absolute bitch as of late. Like a brutal, brutal nag. You know when you think back at some of your early relationships with women and realize that tart little tramp was walking all over you? That's where I'm at with work. There are some opportunities for advancement so I've been giving it the old college try, (i.e. working a shit ton), to try and secure it. 

Like any possible promotion with a soulless, employees-are-numbers corporation like the one I work for, if you want to get the gig, you have to start out doing a bunch of bullshit work - pro bono! It's been almost three months and I'm at my wit's end. Either give me the extra money and you'll have my undivided attention, or, don't, and let me get back to blogging and working out on the reg. 

Fat Math, Mother Nature, and the Male/Female Relationship

If I'm not working out with frequency, I get a little fat. 

It's okay to be fat if you're a guy in your 20's because if you're fat at this age, in theory, you're making actual money. Women can look past a 20 pound craft beer flab pack if you're pulling 60k and have Penguin season tickets. Conversely, you can be fit and broke. So what if you live at home - at least you take care of yourself! 

Virtually every boring dick you see out with a hot chick is rich as fuck. They live in a loft apartment downtown and drive a diesel Volkswagens. It's science fact.

You just can't be chubby and broke. That's a deal breaker. No amount of ironic T-shirts or witty quips are going to help you seal the deal if you're living at home and looking like a young Bill Parcells. That's a death sentence. 

Hey, if it doesn't work out...

I'll just quit dramatically like that male stewardess did a couple years ago. The guy that cursed out all the passengers, grabs beers, and slid down the emergency exit slide. 

Aviation felon? Yes. Badass? Hell yes. 

Or quit like Scarface in Half Baked - the walk off home run of resignations.

I'd use the Jerry Maguire quitting scene but that's also parodied in Half Baked,

further solidifying it as the one of the greatest works of American cinema.

Either way, this tune is going to come in to play, even if I'm listening to it through headphones while cutting grass all summer.

Johnny Paycheck is the drunk, broke voice of a generation of unemployed assholes.

Anyway - fuck work. Why can't I just get grazed by a PAT bus, get a superficial scar on my face, and sue the city for millions? It's just not fair.  

Enough Bitching 

So yeah, the draft is here and I feel a moral obligation to blog it. Should have a bunch of player posts up over the next few days. Keep checking back.

Giddy up.